mardi, décembre 14, 2010

Crazy in crazy Bruxelles

It's been a long time since my last post and the main reason for it is because so many things have happened - expected and unexpected - that I've been out of sync... total madness to make it short.

It's been 4 months already since I moved to Bruxelles and so far it's been good, still a lot of complications, weird stuff, new people, new places, general craziness involved in this kind of over-starting. I'm now "settled", though the settled needs some adjustments still and tomorrow morning I find out how it will go - more explanations in later posts.

My first days in this city were full of contradicting emotions. I went through all of them I think, it was a little bit painful to watch - I even think I started going medically crazy for a couple days, and I'm not joking. My emotional stability isn't as strong as I thought it was, and at the moment I feel as if my mind just went on Emergency Mode and pretty much blocked some normal emotions.

What I mean if you really think I'm talking madness is that I'm going through shell-shock in a way. I've become really antisocial this time around, autistic to make it short. And the worst part is that I don't hate it, I seriously have embraced it and I guess I should worry about it but it's not that big of a deal on a personal level so far. I wonder what a psych would tell me after reading this post... maybe I'll go to one later because I need a lot of out-figuring.

But let's track down. The Victor Horta School wouldn't give me an answer about my admission procedure, even though classes were about to start, not even a NO. So I went with my plan B. I started looking for Photography Schools. You would think that can't be that hard, right? To find a school and go enroll yourself. Well, let me tell you it was hell. I got so many setbacks that I was about to throw in the towel and buy the first ticket back to Mexico City. I don't really know how I got over it and went to Le 75, a little Art School in Woluwe, Bruxelles. It's a really nice school, great teachers, just great. However, my autistic situation has built so many walls around me that I must be the weirdo at school - and big time. And the only reason why that bothers me is because I don't have a clear vision about my academic life next year... as I said before, I've embraced my having a distance with other people but I do know it's not a good idea to be like that around people I may be seeing for 3 more years at least - this is what I meant about my contradicting emotions.

I must be already crazy, mustn't I?

But anyway, after I started classes in Le 75, I got admitted to Architecture School, great news, right? Well, I got excited about it and went there to register and all, forget about Le 75 and come back to my roots. And the big wall came crashing to my face; there was a problem with my Equivalence, a really stupid problem that the Belgians should fix themselves but of course they will not. So, I couldn't attend to Architecture School and because of all of this I skipped classes at Le 75 also... I sort of started to dig a quite cozy grave to myself.

After the drama, introspection came and it really doesn't help me. That's why people say the worst punishment to bad people would be to look at themselves in the mirror, because if you really start looking you may see more than you bargained for. I think I didn't eat for two days, just slept through; it was insane. If I'm OK now it's because I'm not the type of person who just gives up on his life - I may have a lot of flaws and trust me I do know them but I wouldn't cut my fuse on life. I'd rather go stagnant.

By now I am fine, maybe a little bit more than fine actually. All these feelings have nothing to do with the people I've got to know and their feelings towards me. My mental blackout has nothing to do with them. To the contrary it's all about me.

I needed to let myself loose and share some thoughts. Thank you for reading and do not worry about me. This may have sounded really dramatic but trust me it's just life.

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