Under the gay-dome

www.fckh8.com

11.11.

Ayer por la noche, exactamente esta mañana en realidad, muy muy temprano, cedí.

Intenté no dar a ceder, seguir siendo terco y algo orgulloso. Había sido exitoso en no darle lo que quería de mí, eso duró más de un mes. Había sido exitoso calentándolo indirectamente, y por eso estaba contento. Había sido exitoso en hacerlo pensar en mí, porque yo seguí pensando en él.

Mi única condición era que comenzara a hacer un verdadero esfuerzo; estoy dispuesto a perdonar y olvidar, a seguir adelante, únicamente si él empieza a hacer un verdadero esfuerzo.

Dejemos que el tiempo vuelva a correr. 

Indeed summertime sadness

LANA DEL REY, Summertime Sadness

I do not own this video

Random summer

Photographed by Miguel Angel Ramírez.

Leuven, Belgium, July 2013.

00 [ Project underway ]

Last thought in my head was about him. I was so sure he would come and pick me up. Everything would be alright. He would come for me and everything would be forgotten.

I was too overbearing last time. He doesn't know how to deal with stress, and I was a big bolting source of it.

I became what I don’t like in others, exactly what I push away. So damn him, he had a reason to turn his back on me and walk away.

An obsessive brat and an idolized asshole. Him and me. A perfect match.

The heart and the head will never see eye to eye.

My frustrations are his and his reasons I understand. I've denied it to myself for too long. My brain is thrusting me against the all-too-clear message, I miss him.

“Are you sure you’re ok? You seemed quite gone for a while.”

“Yes, I’m good. It was just weird. I knew it was too much, that’s why I stayed put and followed your directions” I was happy towards the end, visualizing him on his way to rescue me.

“Good. You’ve to control yourself next time.”

“I know. I’m feeling quite embarrassed. I am so sorry. Really I am.”

“Don’t worry. Just be more careful” he said with a big smile on his face.

“Thanks, Tom” I said finally.

It had been a wild night. Going everywhere just to forget and have a good time.

Silly me.

I’ve been travelling for too long. Not sure whether I’m still on a trip or not.

Written by M. Ramírez

Belgium Nov. 2013

A day to be proud!

Photographies by Miguel Ángel Ramírez

Brussels' Gay Pride 2011

It's been a while since I last wrote but I have a very good reason for it.

A couple of weeks ago I volunteered as a photographer for Gay Pride. This year Brussels' LGBT Organization decided to hire 10 official photographers for their site and I was lucky enough to get in.

Pride week actually started May 6th but of course the main event was the parade on May 14th. And the parties, the crazyness and outrageous - what you find in every Gay Pride worldwide.

I started the day at 11h00. Picked up my badge and got outside. It was a sunny day, perfect for the occasion. What I liked about this Pride was that there was a lot of information about Gay rights, Anti discrimination campaigns, and people that cared about these kind of things and not just party, I seriously appreciated that.

On the other hand, madness happened around every single corner, it was hard to keep up; I'm still surprised I managed to because the day before I went out with some friends and I only had a 3 hour sleep. And besides, I wanted to party still, I mean, it was Gay Pride!

As a whole I had a great experience as a photographer. It was really nice to be an official one, wearing my Pride Press badge, being able to take pictures with more ease, it was worthwhile.

I'll post some pictures but if you want to see the rest of them, they are on www.thepride.be

Alla prossima!

Cambios [ visuales ] veinte y dos

22. Brussels' Gay Pride 2011, Brussels, Belgium

Photography by Miguel Ángel Ramírez

Marca Perú

Bye April

April is practically over and I don't know where I've been these weeks that for me were hours. This month has passed so fast that I feel I've been transported to the near future.

I guess I feel this way because not much has happened in April either. I'm still waiting for my carte électronique which means I'm still trapped in Belgium - at least now there's nice weather! Then, not much boy's action, but to be fair I haven't been out partying a lot this month. I think I've only been out twice or three times and with lots of friends so there was little room for meeting new people and the new people I've met these past weeks have been either girls or straight boys, so there.

On the other hand, my friend Romina and her boyfriend came to visit me from Paris, they stayed last weekend and it was really nice to see some familiar faces in Bruxelles and show them around, eat some Belgian food and have fun with people I know from more than 8 months.

In a way I'm glad May starts tomorrow, it's my birthday month and my mother and sister will come visit me, that'll be fun to show them my new city - just like I did in Mexico City when they went to see me. It's never the same to tell your parents and siblings how everything goes than showing them first hand.

In other news, Bruxelles' Pride Week starts next Friday, May 6th. I'm going to be one of the official photographers for the event on Friday and Saturday, if everything goes well, I just may continue taking photos for the rest of the week - so wish me luck! And also, one of my housemates got interviewed for a Catalan newspaper called Vanguardia and it was me who took his photo, so in the following 2 weeks my name will appear on the article as the photographer.

See you all at Pride Week!

Cambios [ visuales ] veinte y uno

21. The Sequence, wooden installation by Arne Quinze, Brussels, Belgium

Photography by Miguel Ángel Ramírez

J'aime bien cette version [ Sexy Boy ]

FALLEN ANGELS, Sexy Boy

I do not own this video

Un poco más de turco [ Sezen Aksu ]

SEZEN AKSU, Kutlama

I do not own this video

Cuando menos lo esperas sale el sol

El título no tiene ninguna relación con Shakira, que quede claro.

Yo creo que ya hacía falta un post en español. Además que siempre me sentiré más a gusto escribiendo en mi lengua materna, y me encanta.

Pues bien, comenzaré diciendo que hace unas semanas terminé de leer el último libro de Jaime Bayly, El escritor sale a matar. Es la primera entrega de una trilogía llamada Morirás mañana. Al principio tuve muchas reservas acerca de la historia y cómo se iba desarrollando pero desde la segunda mitad me mantuvo cautivo, muy al estilo de Bayly. La trama gira alrededor de Javier Garcés, un escritor limeño que aunque sólo ha escrito 3 libros en su carrera literaria logró el éxito internacional. Con muchos enemigos, algunos más que otros pero al final gente que no lo soporta; Javier decide vengarse de ellos luego de enterarse que sólo le quedan 6 meses de vida por culpa de un tumor en el cerebro. Si aprecian las no sutilezas, deben leerlo, yo creo que les gustará.

Otro libro de un escritor peruano que leí hace poco es Por favor, no empujen de Fernando González Nohra. Ésta es su primera novela y realmente me gustó mucho, es muy limeña, el lenguaje, las imágenes y aunque me recordó mucho a Bayly también, el estilo de F. González es claramente más joven y no tan sutil y sutil al mismo tiempo, me encantó. Lo recomiendo mucho.

Luego, compré lentillas, la primera vez que las uso y hasta ahora va bien. Ya no me demoro más de 10 minutos por cada ojo al ponérmelas y después de años he vuelto a usar lentes de sol - que para mi es una experiencia completamente nueva.

Y para finalizar, mi capacidad intelectual parece que está muriendo poco a poco creo, qué horror...

Auf wiedersehen!

Fast forward

These last few weeks have been a little bit crazy, good and bad crazy.

As you all know I've been struggling with getting back my self-confidence, at least the way I was before; it's going good actually but it's baby steps. I knew what my problem was and I guess I just let it consume me instead of changing things. Sometimes it's really easy to avoid the problem and try to go around it.

So, I took the bull by the horns and said to myself: Stop being an idiot and start reacting and behaving like your old-self, there's no excuse for you being this shy now!

Then, after my breakthrough, Andreas comes visit me; Andreas and I met in Mexico City almost 2 years ago, we had somewhat of a curious story you may say. Last time we met was exactly a year ago here in Bruxelles, and just now he had some free time to come see me. It was really nice to see him this time and show him around knowing where to go and what to do, because last time we were both lost in this city and did not know exactly what to do. It was all going smooth and out of a sudden he asks me what I think about a long term relationship. I froze right there and started saying nonsense; I did not expect it at all. Had he asked me that a year ago I would have said ok, let's go for it but now I have a lot going on in my head and I don't think it would be a good idea.

After that I had a lot to tell him, we talked for hours via skype when he was back in Marseille. There was a lot more I had to come clean about and fourtunately he took it all well. I'm really lucky to have him as a friend.

Oh right, after the Andreas' situation, I finally got an answer from René to my last email. I must say I am so grateful to having met these two guys, I really love them both, it's not everyday that you find people like them.

René has been really kind and I know everytime I tell him something his answer is sincere and caring. I cannot wait to see him again and let him ponder on how I really am at the moment; I know that even if I write him telling him how everything is going it's different when you see things by yourself and to a point I think I may have contradicted myself in my emails but the reason is that everything changes fast and I slapped myself to wake up already and start living again. How dramatic but true.

Well guys, that's pretty much it. Sorry about my lazy English today, I'll compensate next time, pinky promise.

I always love some cake

CAKE, I will survive

I do not own this video. Property of Capricorn Music Group.

Un mezzo e un boudoir

Friday night was interesting.

First I met Cynthia - David's Peruvian house-mate - and some of her friends from Peru who are visiting her. Typical Peruvian macho guys, they reminded me a little why I'm out of there; they were nice anyway, I'm not saying they are total homophobe ignorant people but from now and then they make some awkward remarks and not so nice phrases came out of their mouths. Luckily David was there with me and I didn't feel like the gay-outcast.

After the brief meeting, all the Peruvian crew - me included of course - met with the Italian crew: Gianmaria, Sara, Alessandro, Luca, and a couple of Italian girls I hadn't met before. I had a good time in Mezzo with them, I could practice some Italian as well, gave a quick kiss in the lips to Gianmaria - we just love this guy! The only thing that got me thinking afterwards was that there was a handsome well-built bloke dancing behind me, and I noticed he was gay but I just didn't make a move because I started thinking about some German guy and I just couldn't go on.

By the end of the night, David and I went to Boy's Boudoir, of course! There we ran into a lot of guys we see practically every weekend in these places - I wasn't too excited about that. Though there was one that I liked and again, we made eye-contact and started dancing right next to each other but I stopped myself; even David asked me why I was being so stupid and not going for it, he had noticed the guy in Mezzo as well and didn't understand why I hadn't made the move when it was obvious these guys found me attractive. I'm just a mess lately, really!

But oh well, it was an interesting and hectic evening so my Saturday was calm and chill, I stayed home, made dinner and had a nice chat and game-night with Gaël, so I can't complain.

A la próxima.

S & M

RIHANNA, S & M

I do not own this video. Property of The Island Def Jam Music Group.

Brief and maybe not so clear

So, it's been a while but for a reason. I've been too messed up to think clearly and even now I may say non-sense but this is what you get.

I'll try to come back to cultural related topics and more interesting stuff than my life but for now this is what I will share.

This last weekend was not so great and it was at the same time. I've been thinking so much about meeting someone interesting and having a relationship that I absolutely forgot why we people go out, to have fun! That's why this Friday, Saturday and even Sunday have not been very good days for myself. Also I've been so concentrated on my fellow Spanish friend that when he got hit on I got jealous - but not of him, more at him for getting all the attention. Immaturity and insecurity to the extreme and I hate that.

I even wrote to René while I was drunk and even though he has told me more than once that I should no be embarrassed about what I wrote to him on that email, I still feel that way. Thanks again for the great advise René! I really appreciate it.

All in all I did a lot of retrospection on Monday and little by little I'm going to the place where I feel fine and not try at all.

It all should flow naturally. If it doesn't, stop it!

Until next time.

How I became a loser

I don't know whether I wrote about this or not; I made a bet with David, we would do no alcohol for 28 days starting March. I was really confident, I mean, after 6 months without alcohol, 28 days is nothing! So I was sure I was going to win and have bragging rights. To my astonishment it was me who lost after 2 weeks.

One day I went out with Jan and his friends, cute friends I should say, and Josefien - Jan's girlfriend. We were having a really nice evening, talking about our adventures travelling and the silly stuff that can come up sometimes. After 3 or 4 bottles of orange juice I couldn't continue, that's too much orange juice in the evening, and I gave in completely; we drank tequila, rum and some beers. I have to control myself but lately it's been a bit more difficult than before. But well, I told David two days after that I had drunk some alcohol and he nearly slapped me in the face for not having told him right away: "Y a mí me tuviste dos días más tomando iced tea y cerveza sin alcohol, qué cabrón." He complained more about not knowing that he could have some alcoholic drinks than me not telling him I lost, ha!

In the end we made it a toss-up, I don't know how but it is a toss-up. David drank a lot the day I told him, I guess to compensate.

Next time I won't make a bet, I will just stop drinking that much and take it slowly.